The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate–and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top

I read Steve Santagati’s Manual driven by the same curiosity that compels men to page through copies of Cosmo at a girlfriend’s house. We don’t subscribe to those magazines, so somehow they immediately create intrigue. So in part it was voyeurism, and in part I wanted to explore what lessons were being taught to women by one of our own. I read through a few of the reviews here where Santagi was demonized as a pig, and I guess I’m here to say that whether or not that happens to be true, what the ladies should be curious about is whether or not his comments are accurate or reflective of most men. While I will admit that his delivery is a bit crude, guys can be too sometimes, so overdoing it is probably a better tact than sugarcoating things. I’ll gladly confirm that for better or for worse, much of what he says is pretty accurate for most guys (we’re sorry we’re superficial, but we’re just made that way … and in my experience, even brilliant women like to be loved for their looks too). All Steve is saying is that it won’t make you any less of a success to take advantage of this fact and accentuate it — which isn’t very different from a guy realizing that there’s nothing wrong with his masculinity.

After serving as a shoulder to cry on more than once for my mystified and confused female friends, I’ve wanted at times to write a book much like this, though mine would probably have been more scientific, and perhaps even less PC. If you are curious about the scientific underpinning of the fundamental truths Steve seems to have learned in the real world, read Nancy Etcoff’s “Survival of the Prettiest” or Geoffrey Miller’s “The Mating Mind.” Men and women are profoundly DIFFERENT on a neurological level. There’s no moral judgment about it, and the more that we can learn to accept and embrace these differences, the happier we’ll become. Any trait taken to extremes becomes unappealing, and most everything that irritates women about men (and vice-versa) is something that in moderation is often very attractive.

There’s a big trend now, typified by VH1′s “The Pick Up Artist” and Neil Strauss’s “The Game” for men to explore the psychology of the female mind and leverage that into success in the dating world. When taken too far, this can be manipulative and disgusting, but in moderation, it does actually help some guys get over their issues or hurdles into being more comfortable in their skins. For me the moment when I realized just how different male and female minds were, I was in High School. I remember when I was first told by a brilliant beautiful girl I crushed on that she wanted confidence more than anything else in a man, and I remember thinking, “Huh? Not kindness, attractiveness, intelligence, or talent?” “You want confidence even if he boldly charges in wrongheaded directions?” “Yep. I don’t know quite why it is, but it’s still hot,” was the reply, although she couldn’t explain what made her feel that way any better than I can with my fascination with ponytails.

So our predilections are no more difficult for you to understand than yours are to us. Here’s an illustrative story of the parallels between male and female thinking from the other side: Recently I was at a trendy downtown Manhattan restaurant, when Mystery, the host of “The Pickup Artist” walked in, all gangly six-foot six inches of his goth-looking overdone self, and I pointed him out to my tablemates. After an explanation of who he was to the girls at our table, and grudging admissions that we’d seen his show or read Mr. Strauss’s book from all the guys, one of the girls (a highly educated, intelligent and stunning catch herself) proclaimed that she was certain that “confidence couldn’t be taught.” Well, she sure was wrong. The guy who brought her there on a date (also a handsome and successful match himself) had recently transformed himself from insecure to comfortable around women in part through Strauss’s teachings. And the whole world of women never would have learned or experienced what a great guy he was unless someone had taught him a thing or two about female evolutionary psychology. Santagati’s just trying to do the same thing for women that Strauss did for men. All sorts of girls with amazing personalities reject the notion of playing up their beauty on moral grounds. Sadly, the results of this are that lots of guys never meet truly amazing women who hide behind baggy clothes or overdone fashion.

Santiago tries to teach a few very accurate lessons: (1) Guys can’t be analyzed through the lens of the female psyche. Our minds are too different for it to be intuitive. Instead you should educate yourself on what men say men want, because we may be many things, but we do usually say what we want. (2) Yes we are superficial, but we LOVE women and we want to see you as your best selves so we can smother you with affection. (3) Taking advantage of your looks isn’t unethical or anti-feminist, a guy becomes attracted to you for physical assets, but STAYS for your personality (it’s not wrong, it’s just the way nature made us). (4) If you refuse to take advantage of the triggers for male attraction, chances are you won’t find the guy you deserve (and he won’t find you), so you will settle for a relatively boring guy instead. The differences between the sexes are a large source of excitement, and denying this will probably lead to antiseptic, dull relationships. (5) Don’t listen to your female friends about how to get a guy or what to wear — literally everything you do to impress your female friends will doom you with men. I’ve always been curious about why women spend so much effort on themselves, but that it’s always put in the wrong places. I can’t even count the number of times when I’ve seen a woman in a grossly unflattering outfit, only to hear her friends tell her how adorable it is. I don’t know if this is intentional sabotage or not, but it isn’t pretty. There are women out there who’ve spent loads of money on botox or handbags, but there isn’t a single guy out there who will remember a girl for her trendy clothing. Meanwhile there are plenty of girls who are out of shape but carrying lustworthy accessories, whose time and money would have been better spent in a gym or ditching the car for a day to walk or bike, and there are others who obsess about trivial aspects of their appearance like wrinkles or noses while covering up terrific assets. Men rarely care about the details women fixate on. We see women holistically instead. For every woman down on her skin, there’s a man who thinks she has amazing hair and never even notices her skin. The converse is doubtless true as well.

None of these insecurities are surprising. I know that the pressures that are put on women are Herculean and absurd. Success and family all before 30 or 35 … while keeping in great shape? Virgin and whore at the same time? Sexy, but successful and appreciated for your mind not your body? They’re unachievable paradoxes and it simply isn’t fair! “Us Weekly” runs profiles on women who are too skinny and too fat in the same issue. It’s all a little much.

But if you pause for a moment and consider where this criticism comes from, believe it or not, it’s usually not guys. In my experience, and that of any girl who’s gone through the social hell that is Junior High, it’s usually the female peer group that’s toughest on women! I rarely hear guys call women derogatory words unless they’re overreacting from a recent heartbreak or breakup, but I hear girls say those words all the time about their FRIENDS! Guys are usually pretty accepting of body image. All you really need to do to look great is to stay healthy and in-shape and not let the media or advertising deceive you into believing that trivial problems are major. I find the little signs of aging and maturity profoundly attractive … it’s just that our American corn-starch diet-soda sedentary lifestyle is not. Men love the whole woman, not her eyeliner. So if women could only accept their complete beauty without worrying about what Maybelline tells them, I think we’d have a lot of happier people out there. Frankly, I’ve always found the Dove commercials with the plus-sized models fascinating: The commercials told you to accept your body for being overweight … but then they replaced that insecurity with another, telling you that you had to buy their cream or moisturizer or suffer the horrors of cellulite (yet another thing guys could probably care less about). The cosmetics industry is made up of total hypocrites. The purveyors of unachievable body image are often those interested in making you feel bad about yourself so they can sell their products.

In summary, I’m a nice guy at heart, but I have a bit of a “bad guy” side. While I would love to be appreciated for my merits alone, I’ve realized that the “bad guy” side generates a lot more interest from women that just being a good guy. It’s not necessarily the way that I’d like things to be, but it is the way the world works. Even if it’s not what I wanted to hear, understanding that dichotomy does make for a more satisfying life than ignorance would have. So while some of what Steve says may not sit well, guys do respond to appearance in a way that isn’t necessarily intuitive or satisfying to women. Yes, beauty is important to men, but the beauty we like is actually often far more achievable than the one society tells you to strive for. So don’t get angry about men not finding you attractive while using that as an excuse for staying out of shape. It’s no more attractive than self-loathing is in men. Instead, embrace a healthy lifestyle and a physically flattering style of dress. That, in turn will reflect in your self image, so you can project that happiness into your life. For guys, a world of women comfortable with the influence of their physicality would be an immensely satisfying place to live … and it won’t be so bad for women to understand the affects it has on their well-being either.

A fun read and eye-opener to many. The author is the typical “tough guy on the outside, kitten on the inside.” Steve’s advice is candid, but may not be true for every male out there. He is honest in detailing the mind of a “Bad Boy.” The men I dated fit his frame – mostly athletes, fast cars, motorcycles, handsome, fit, charming, confident and usually successful. The men I chased humored me at best and used me at worst. Steve’s advice works, if you want to date someone like Steve. It’s fun for a while, but once you catch on to them, you may be amused but also a bit bored and ask the question “Where is this going?” He’s right when he says “we don’t know” because typically, these types aren’t looking to settle down. They are the hedonists of the lot, and will take up your time. Have fun with these guys, but don’t plan to marry them or have expectations. Also, on his advice to “have sex on your terms” – typically if they have been raised Catholic, prepare to be judged if you sleep with these guys too soon (take it from a Protestant). These guys love women and love to love, but are utterly conflicted and frightened. You deserve better. Methinks Steve may be ready to wave the white flag – hence this book. But who knows? Enjoy!!

Wow, this is a difficult book to read, not in the intellectual sense but in actually grasping the concept that some men really don’t understand or refuse to accept that women are people with real lives and real feelings. It’s written by a guy who says he loves women – he loves them for his own needs not theirs! He’s the kind of guy that thinks he’s done a woman a favour or given her a wonderful experience by having a fling with her — because ‘hes’ so great. The egotism – and complete lack of awareness of actually how women think – in this book is astounding. But, in saying all that. This book is a very interesting insight into the minds of so called ‘Bad Boys’ AKA selfish self-obsesses users who love themselves more than life itself! It is funny to see how attractive ‘Bad Boy’ qualities can be, and it is intersting to see how these males think about themselves and women in general. If you want insight, read the book, but don’t be surprised if you’re shocked and a fair bit disgusted by some of what you read. Hopefully… there is still hope for the human race!

I have to hand it to this guy. He has conned heaps of women bookers and producers into putting him on tv and radio shows as a relationship expert, and he has gotten a lot of desperate and stupid women with no self esteem to believe that he has the key to their happiness in relationships. Wake up women! This man is a Class A sexist who thinks you’re all a game and just a piece of a–.

All this supposed knowledge in the book comes from a man who admitted to not really having any long term relationships himself. Anyone who listens to this guy actually deserves to be swindled out of their money.

Nearly every page is rife with his arrogant belief that he’s handsome and impossible to resist due to his charm and appearance and can help you have the honor of getting laid by someone like him. He can’t seem to get through a paragraph without remind the reader how hot he thinks he is. How pathetic. In fact, I smell Napoleonic complex coming off this guy with each page turn. I don’t think he’s handsome at all. I don’t think he’s charming. If he approached me with any of this drivel, I’d tell him to take a piss.

This book presents a base, self-proclaimed bad boy who has somehow managed to find a way to make a living without real work – by getting women to buy his book and his products and pay him via his website for his dating advice. Is our gender really that desperate? Apparently so because he’s making a nice living off those foolish enough to listen to him and pay him for his advice. He’s a snake oil salesman of another type.

I love that he’s telling women what they need to do in order to gain attention from a man. He never seems to think that men should actually have to do anything to make themselves more appealin to women other than play games and compliment them. Adults looking for real relationships don’t play games. If you’re the type of person who plays games, I doubt Santagati can teach you any new tricks.

This book was loaned to me by a friend whose desperate to marry and whom I told a thousand times shouldn’t go after Santagati’s type. She still does and is still miserable and increasingly desperate. I told her I wanted to read this book that she thought was such great advice because from what she said about it, it sounded like some swindler conning women. I laughed at how cocky this guy is with little to back it up other than a former modeling career (sorry, but the guy isn’t good looking and if he was a male model, he’s the shortest one I’ve ever heard of).

The book is written by a man who obviously thinks all women are marks to be had and disposed of at will and if they don’t get the game, tough on them. Emotions and feelings, let alone substance play no part at all in his recommendations for successfully finding a mate and building a relationship. He thinks it’s all about tricks and games. Yeah, that’ll really build a stable, long-term relationship, Steve. You ought to know considering how many you claim you’ve had. Oh that’s right. You haven’t. So why again should people buy your book?

Buyers, if you’re looking to a lot of one night stands and nothing more, you don’t need this book or advice from this self-absorbed, primitive meathead. Just go outside of your home on any evening. Men who want one night stands abound. If you want a man with substance (the kinds he refers to as nice guys and he ignorantly seems to think no one wants), then by all means do not go anywhere near any advice Mr. Santagati gives or you will scare off the real catches, not the ones from whom you could catch something.

Women should be ashamed of themselves for giving this book a good rating. It’s insulting to the entire female gender and it does nothing but insult men who are decent human beings who respect women. If it was possible to give no stars, I would

Oh, and Steve dear, if we don’t find you attractive or interesting in any way, it is not US as you repeatedly state (most of your type usually blames us for your shortcomings) in the book. You’re type just isn’t of interest to most attractive, available women who have actual self-esteem and a functioning brain.

Even though Mr. Santagati may have insight to what ‘some’ men may think and may offer helpful hints to those in need, he does nothing but enforce the media hype about how women should behave or try to physically look like, especially the section on how a woman should shave her….area or how he states in so many words, “that’s what top models do…”. Like I care. I have to give him credit, because at least he knows how to prey on women’s insecurities!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a bonafide feminist, but be forewarned that you’re reading in shallow waters. Apparently, his target audience are those most likely insecure about their looks, still trying to define themselves, or feel like they need a challenge. The fact that Santagati feels the need to advertise and brag about his celebrity life and that he’s a so called ‘bad-boy’ validates his shallowness with hints of insecurity, and prompted me to take another antacid during the read.

There’s no such thing as a Bad boy. It’s just a made up name for guys who are bored with their life and who never manage to feel comfortable with themselves. If you think there is such a thing as a Bad boy, he wouldn’t have to advertise…..

I thought this book was useless. I am recently divorced being back in the dating pool for first time in over a decade. Most of the information in this book is obvious, and the author seems more impressed with himself and his own stories than giving any useful advice. There are much better books out there, I wouldn’t waste your money on this one. Unless of course you want to read stories about the dude on the cover. He apparently has dated half the planet. YAWN!

Wow, where do I even begin. This guy talks about how irresistible to women he is and then gives great advice for landing high quality men, which he considers himself to be. It is an entire book of a narcissist extolling his own virtues. The kindle version cost me MORE than the paperback or the hardback would have. Shame on Amazon! Most importantly, though, the advice he gives is either so obvious that a tree stump would know it or so incredibly inane and/or sexist that it is insulting. Save your money. Here is his advice in a nutshell: Play hard to get and show some cleavage. Gee, thanks, Mr. Santagati. I’ll make sure to do that if I ever want to date a man such as you.

This book was not what I thought it would be… insight into the “average” guy… you know, how to relate to men if you WANT to. This book is an ego boost for the writer who was once a male model and hasn’t given up on his 15 minutes of fame yet. There are some funny parts in it but it’s all about the “bad boy” or the “player” and I think most women can spot those a mile away. I guess if you are 20-something and want to know how to keep a player wrapped around your finger a little longer, this might be the book for you. But if you just want more insight into how “he” works, skip it.

The Manual, by Steve Santagati is a very shallow book with no substance or essence. I have read many self-help books and books on relationships, and even books on the biological differences between men and women. This book reminded me of someone who didn’t have any sincerity or genuineness. Everything in this book is actually common knowledge shared by everyone, like when he says you shouldn’t sleep on the first date with a man. It is hard to explain, but I didn’t like the his attempt at being humorous at inappropriate times. The author reminds me of someone who takes but never gives, and by referring to himself as a “bad boy” has no strength of character or integrity that would make me pursue him. The author seems to feel that women find “bad boys” more desirable and I took his little quiz and it actually determined I prefer nice guys.
I bought this book, as well as, some others for my younger, single girlfriends. I myself am 54 years old and have been married for 26 years, to a nice guy. I never liked “bad boys” which is another word for men that are always searching for their next girl in the sack, and have no love in their heart for anyone but themselves. I would not waste my money on this book.

This book is truly charming…meaning the author is charming the pants off of you at all times! It needs to be taken with a grain of salt at moments, but is so much fun you’ll easily overlook any of those incidences. The author may claim to be a “Bad-Boy” but I think deep down, he’s really a nice guy just playing at being bad…who the hell cares, he’s loads of fun. A great read, it will keep you entertained from cover to cover.