There’s a reason the media has dubbed matchmaker Rachel Greenwald as “The Wife Maker.” Yes, she’s responsible for over 750 marriages, but more importantly, she has solved perhaps the biggest dating mystery of all time: when you finally meet Mr. Right (or even Mr. Potential), what really compels him to call back (or not) after a date?
Armed with her Harvard MBA, Rachel embarked on a fascinating ten-year research project to decipher this puzzle. In Have Him at Hello, she applies her business savvy to the dating world by conducting in-depth “exit interviews” with 1,000 single men, asking why they called back one woman, but not another. By refusing to accept the post-date brush-off like “There wasn’t any chemistry…” or the excited, but equally vague evening recap, “We hit it off!” Rachel extracted unabashedly honest and raw details. It turns out there are clear, tangible, consistent reasons why marriage-minded men either fall for you or disappear. The surprising “Top 5 Date Makers” and “Top 10 Date Breakers” revealed in this book can actually change your fate when Mr. Right finally comes along.
Rachel’s goal isn’t for you to pretend to be someone you’re not, but rather to keep the ball in your court. By using her innovative research and tips as a guide, more men will ask to see you again ; then you can do the selecting, rather than wondering if they’ll call. Because information is power, this book will make your first hello a lasting one.
- Paperback: 304 pages
- Publisher: Three Rivers Press (March 9, 2010)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0307406547
- ISBN-13: 978-0307406545
- Product Dimensions: 5.2 x 0.6 x 8 inches
- Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces
Getting Inside the Mind of a Man – The Hard Way!
But as the author of “Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad” and as a dating coach whose primary clients are smart, successful single women from 30-65, I can tell you that every single thing in Greenwald’s book is a potential teaching tool. These are the same issues I hear from my amazing women clients day in and day out. Men don’t respond to bossy women, gold-diggers, downers, desperation, high-maintenance, or women who are all about themselves – their jobs, their friends, their accomplishments. Yes, they want attractive, but they also want want intelligence, kindness, fun, and nurturing.
This isn’t really news. You may think this only applies to other women that you know. It does not. In fact, the big statistical take-away I got from this book is that 78 percent of women surveyed believed that a man hadn’t called her back for reasons beyond her control – “chemistry”, “he’s just not that into me”, “he’s intimidated by me”. The truth is, 85% of men felt the exact opposite – that there were very specific things that women did which created a negative impression that men couldn’t look past.
While this can easily arouse indignation, Greenwald encourages you to recognize that you probably the same thing when you’re on dates with men. Dissecting the way what he wore, where he took you, how he reached for the check, how he talked about his ex or his job or his family. So why isn’t there a book called “Why She Didn’t Call You Back”?
Because, like I wrote in “Why You’re Still Single”, men wouldn’t actually read it. 90% of the self-help market is for women and since neither you or me or Greenwald can change men, all we can do is create self-awareness by laying out, once and for all, what men REALLY think.
And while a lot of it isn’t pretty, Greenwald doesn’t just tell you what you’re doing wrong, but gives subtle course-correction hints on how to get it right. She truly cares about women and doesn’t demonize them in this book. All she does is shed light on the dark corners of the male mind so that you can either adjust (or not adjust) accordingly.
The other real eye-opener is what she suggests to women in the future. Exit interviews. In other words, it’s impossible to get present to the unintentional signals you’re giving off if you never hear what they are. Imagine if MEN did this – if they actually asked for specific feedback on how they could improve on their dates and what they did to turn you off. Imagine how shocking it would be – and how it might impact their efforts on their next date.
Unfortunately, in real life, we don’t have this feedback loop. He doesn’t call, you wonder why, you move on with little clarity. Greenwald suggests asking him for an Exit Interview after the fact – a slightly embarrassing but greatly empowering tool for your self-growth. She even suggests that you could ask friends or hire dating coaches to handle this delicate process for you. The point is to do SOMETHING instead of burying your head in the sand and lamenting what’s wrong with men. There’s PLENTY wrong with men – but you can’t change them. You can only change yourself.
To sum up, if knowledge is power, “Why He Didn’t Call You Back” is one powerful book. As a dating coach for smart, successful, single women, I couldn’t give a more enthusiastic endorsement for a very eye-opening and fast read.
Tfhe best advice you never wanted to hear….
Greenwald’s main point is that on a first date, like on a job interview, first impressions count. If you make a bad first impression, there may not be time for someone to see beneeth the surface, so it’s really important to carefully consider what you reveal and how quickly you move. Her second point is that, many men (no, not all) are more likely to want to see you again if you maintain some intrigue – remember Dangerous Liaisons, one fo the sexiest period pieces ever? This doesn’t mean being “fake” or playing games, but it also doesn’t mean wearing your heart on your sleeve or coming in with a checklist of questions to get through before you finish your appetizer. Didn’t your mother always tell you to listen more than you talk? The men who were interviewed for this book can tell the difference. For anyone who has been dating for a while, getting lots of first dates but very few second or third ones, read this book with an open mind and think about how it really is speaking to you. Remember, if you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got! This is one feminist who thinks I may have a thing or two to learn about how to put my ego aside and focus on my goal: meeting the man of my dreams this year!
Great book backed by serious research with a terrible title
The book is all about first impressions and I think it may undersell its seriousness with its title. It’s positioned itself in the category of short-lived dating books that people read secretively and give away quickly because they are ashamed to be seen with them. I understand why Greenwald is marketing the book with such a shocking title since it fits right in with _He’s just not that into you_, but if this book were published with a less flashy title like “Mistaken First Impressions”, people could recommend it to friends and not be ashamed to be seen reading it. That was her choice and it’s not a bad choice. No one wants to admit to having read “He’s just not that into you” and yet everyone knows what it’s about. It’s just frustrating to think how many people who could really use the book would be ashamed to be seen with it because of its title.
So many people could benefit from this book and there is no way on earth anyone could give or “lend” or recommend this book to a friend without insulting them. As it was I checked this book out of the library and when I picked it up, the librarian gave me this absolutely pitying look as if to say “I’m so sorry you suck at dating.”
Good info….maybe too good!
I read this book and then put it into practice with a guy I’d met online and went out with for the first time last week. Upon first seeing him, instantly I knew I wasn’t going to feel a love connection, but I thought, heck, this is good practice for someone I would like to see again, so I put what I read into action.
I didn’t lead him on, I haven’t said anything about catching up again, calling him again, or “see you soon.” But, I did tell him thank you for dinner and that I’d had a nice night.
Not only has he called, but he’s texted me, and emailed me to ask me out again on two different occasions. Hmmmm….. maybe this book works a little too well!!
i’ve never posted an amazon review but this book deserves it!
i have no idea why anyone would give this book a bad review. i found the information fascinating and invaluable. buy it. it’s the best dating book i’ve ever read (and trust me, you don’t want to have purchased the number of dating books i have…
If you weren’t already frustrated enough with dating, this will put you over the edge for sure.
In a nutshell, what the author is telling us is that men get scared off, or turned off, by practically EVERYTHING women do and that we’re really “damned if we do, damned if we don’t.”
The book is, to say the least, shallow and vapid. I feel I learned nothing from this book, in fact, the only things I did learn were that the author knows how to collect data but doesn’t know how to offer her advice, and that the men she interviewed were jerks.
I did think of quite a bit while reading the book. For instance, I thought that, if men are really like this (and I’m sure some are), then you’re probably better off being single. The only opinion I could get from this book is that if you’re not willing to play the ‘game’, aka pretend to be someone you’re not, don’t bother dating. You should just be content with being single. If you’re looking for dating advice, don’t ask this author, look elsewhere.
Should be titled, ‘Why you should become celibate’
I am happily involved in a very loving relationship with a man who takes me as I am as I am accepting of him. He’s also cute, which adds to the excitement of being in this relationship. Yay me. F-you, stupid dating book. By the way, asking a guy out and wearing a fanny pack on the second date didn’t have negative effects or impressions of me and here I am in a relationship.
To the members who posted on my review that I missed the point of this book: I did not. I read it, understood it for what it is and still stand by my opinion. If this book works for you, great. I just feel that I have read better and for free at the library. And if you haven’t gotten to the point where you are in a long term relationship using the advice given by Rachel Greenwald, then try another book, “How to become a better person.”
My original post:
When I started dating, I wanted to read more about how dating works. This book made me afraid of dating. I know I am a confident and loving person with good hygiene and social skills and this book made me feel very insecure about myself, for a week. (then i got over it and saw this book for what it really is: crap) Most of the comments about bad dates were from whiny dudes who took a few negatives in a date and totally blew them out of proportion in their heads, instead of learning about the kind of person their date is and finding things they like about them. Did these women go on dates with the Jerry Seinfelds and Larry Davids of the dating scene or what? Or is this a case of perfectionists looking for perfection? So here we go, with ‘helpful’ insight on dating from a matchmaker and various single men, emphasis on ‘single’.
Typically, the ‘best advice’ for people is to ‘be themselves’, but the author does not suggest that you do that. You pretty much are vomited on the idea that there are things that you do that scare men away forever and these things are probably slight and very superficial, like wearing a fanny pack, or being an avid bike rider, or asking a guy out. Some of the advice is a no brainer, like, ‘be nice’. Duh. Nobody wants to be around an abusive jerk (the bitch in boots), however, maybe some guys actually like ‘challenging’ women, or assertive ladies and there is nothing wrong with that.
What is totally wrong with this book is that the author categorizes women, and then blames them for falling into the author’s category and not getting to second date when for the most part, they were on a date with the wrong guy to begin with. I might be a nice and awesome girl but there will always be guys who will not like me for whatever reason I am not told, as to avoid hurting my feelings. So now what? What category am I in? Should I make this guy, who may not even like the real me anyway, like me more by masking my true personality so I can get to second date and then after the third, let loose, reveal my true self in which he may not like me even more so? Awesome. Just what I need. Very little of the information is useful and I found it condescending. Thanks Rachel Greenwald.
Obvious…to a fault
Even allowing for the fact that those kind of comments are a joke (which I hope they are) I didn’t capture any real substance-perhaps because I was expecting something different. The book is really about how to get a second date. Things to stop doing so that you’ll get a second date. I don’t think I realized that fully when I purchased it.
I was expecting more a discussion of things “to do” or “consider” over the course of a relationship–as I think maintaining/deepening a relationship is more challenging then getting a second date. There were a couple of pages on good things to do during the first date, but the bulk of the book is dedicated to “bad” types of women that to me seemed kind of unrealistic–I don’t personally know many women that I think would come close to resembling most of those descriptions.
Perhaps dating books as a genre aren’t my style and I’m unfairly blaming this one. However at the very least, if you’re new to the genre, I wouldn’t recommend this as your first!