Michele Weiner Davis goes beyond her marriage-saving bestseller, Divorce Busting, with this empowering and encouraging guide for revitalizing marriage and building stronger, more loving bonds. In a down-to-earth style that is free of psychobabble, Weiner Davis outlines a realistic, solution-oriented seven-step program for managing marital problems, which, when left unchecked, can drain the life out of a relationship. Using revealing anecdotes and in-depth case studies, she illustrates practical ways for marriage partners to
avoid the "divorce trap" identify specific marriage-saving goals move beyond ineffective, hurtful ways of interacting become an expert on "doing what works" overcome infidelity, Internet obsessions, depression, sexual problems, and midlife crises get your marriage back on track — and keep it there
Rescue your marriage with the proven techniques of The Divorce Remedy — sound, sensible advice from a renowned relationship expert!
- Paperback: 320 pages
- Publisher: Simon & Schuster (August 20, 2002)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0684873257
- ISBN-13: 978-0684873251
- Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.8 x 8.5 inches
- Shipping Weight: 10.6 ounces
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Save Your Own Marriage from the Brink of Divorce!
Michele Weiner Davis appears to have written this book to correct some misimpressions she left in her book, Divorce Busting (which I have not read). Here, she makes it clear that you can be your own marriage counselor, and you can succeed even if your spouse won’t agree to work on the marriage. Based on her experiences as a marriage counselor, Ms. Davis feels that almost any marriage has the potential to be saved. She also points out that divorce is no bed of roses. The statistics back her up. Most people are happier, healthier, and wealthier in marriages than divorced. Children obviously do better.
Unfortunately, many friends, family, counselors, and the media encourage divorce as a way to reduce the near-term pain . . . while creating more long-term pain. Did you know that 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce? Some people don’t learn is the lesson.
Only you know whether you want to save your marriage or not. This book will help you make that decision.
Ms. Davis encourages you to save your marriage unless your spouse is a chronic source of physical abuse, substance abuse, or unfaithfulness and your spouse refuses to change in any one of these areas. The end of the book has several chapters for dealing with very severe problems like infidelity (“most marriages do survive infidelity”), a depressed spouse, the classic male mid-life crisis, and having sexual passion cool to the disappearing point.
The center piece of the book is a process for going from where you are miserable, defeated, and don’t know what to do to the point where you are taking action and have created a chance to mend the problem. Did you know that most people have felt miserable enough to get divorced for 6 years before they announce their intention to solve the problem or leave the marriage?
Obviously, not every marriage can be saved . . . even if one of the partners wants to do so. But these methods will help improve the odds.
Many of the concepts in the book are similar to those in Dr. Phil McGraw’s excellent book, Relationship Rescue. Perhaps this book could have been called Retrieving Your Marriage after It Seems Gone.
You are encouraged to look at your marriage and relationship from a new perspective. What’s going on? What do you really want? Have you told your spouse? Stop doing things that don’t work or make the situation worse! Do more of what does work. Experiment. Build on positive success.
Each section is filled with case histories, including Ms. Davis’s own life and experiences. Some of them are really hilarious. One couple agreed that they would change the rules about fighting. They could only do so with their clothes off. This kept them from fighting in public and in front of the children. When the husband starting taking his clothes off, the wife started laughing and soon the fight was over. Whenever another fight would begin, the memory of that episode would bring them both to laughter rather than more anger.
The key point of the book is that you have to work on yourself. Changing you will elicit an improved response from your spouse. The book is full of examples of spouses who came back to the marriage when the behavior that was driving them crazy abated or stopped.
Having been divorced, I found the book to be honest and realistic. I certainly did not know what to do to solve the problems in that marriage. Having remarried, I certainly intend to apply the lessons of The Divorce Remedy to make my marriage a better one!
I recommend this book to couples who are getting ready to marry. The section on the marriage map will be very valuable for describing what one can expect from a successful marriage. I also recommend Relationship Rescue for those whose marriages need mending, but have not yet broken down. If you are looking for a divorce lawyer, pick up, read, and apply this book!
May your marriage meet all of your goals . . . and those of your spouse! Remember to recognize what you cannot change, and be accepting where it isn’t really important!
Offers Real Solutions to Troubled Marriages
This book gives hope to those whose spouse is threatening divorce. For those who are the ones seeking divorce, please read and maybe see that divorce is not necessarily the attractive and quick solution it sometimes appears to be.
Read and reread this book, and put the principles into practice, even though at times you want to throw the book at your spouse (DON’T)!!! And even if in the end things do not work out, if you follow her suggestions, you will come out with a greater sense of well-being.
Best of luck and take care.
I really LOVE this book.
I originally found out about Michele’s methods through her website. I have read four of her books (I think there is a new one, but I haven’t read it yet). My husband left our family and moved in with the woman he was having an affair with. He has been my friend and lover since we were in college. He told me that although he loved me and the kids, he felt no passion in his life or with me.
I read Divorce Remedy in one weekend. I was completely dedicated to getting my husband back and keeping our family together. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my mom is now on her third marriage. I absolutely refused to put my children through the pain that my sister and I have been through.
Divorce Remedy is like a manual. It explains what goes wrong in marriages and why. But what I love about this book is that IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO. I had stopped putting our marriage first and my husband found someone else who apparently paid more attention to him.
I followed the all of the steps outlined in the book, set my goals (small at first, consistent, and measurable), kept a progress journal, and pretty much changed my entire life. I paid attention to what I did that he noticed and I did more of those kinds of behaviors. I also paid attention to the things I did that brought us back to our problem areas. As hard as it was, I stopped doing those things. I used this book like a bible.
It was hard to get him to notice the changes I was making because I didn’t see him every day. But I kept going. He finally noticed and he started becoming nice to me again. He moved back in the house last fall and our relationship continues to improve each and every day. I constantly refer to Divorce Remedy whenever old habits return (his or mine). It’s my secret weapon. Our family is together. I love him and now he feels passionate again about me too.
Sorry this is so long, but I tell everybody I know about Michele’s books. My sister and sister in law have both read the books and are now putting their marriages back together.
If your marriage is coming apart, it’s so easy to slide into pain and depression. You can do something about it. You can fix it. Read This Book!
The Best I’ve Found
I love this book!
I also think my husband may be depressed, and the chapter on trying to save your marriage when your spouse is depressed was also helpful to me. In fact, all the chapters about specific problems like infidelity and sexual problems were extremely helpful to me.
What I like about this book even more than her other one (Divorce Busting) is that it really explains clearly how to try to save your marriage when your spouse’s heart isn’t in it. I’m still waiting for my husband to come out of his mid life crisis, but in the meantime, this book has given me enormous hope. I recommend it highly.
I went through the grief of losing my own spouse to another man six years ago, and quite often the very most rational and stable people can lose it entirely through the pain and through the additional terrorism of the family court system.
But, the basic teachings in Michele’s books and materials always seem to be centered around something she calls Solution Oriented Brief Therapy. In short, it focuses on solutions rather than digging deep to comprehend the inner workings, causes, and patterns of the problem. And, there are pros and cons argued regarding this. Some say it sweeps the problem under the rug or puts a bandaid onto the problem without fixing it and the problem will almost certainly return again later while the couple’s tolerance for it will be reduced and their skills in handling it will not have been given the chance to develop.
The idea behind SOBT is somewhat simple: Find out what works, and do more of it. When a fight breaks out, rather than trying to determine whose fault it was and how it started and why it started, SOBT brushes that aside and consideres it not only irrelevant but counterproductive and harmful. SOBT teaches that a better approach is to look back on what we were doing, thinking, feeling, specifically when the problem begain to resolve itself — when the quarrel ended, when we kissed and made up.
This book points out how people tend to continue doing more of the same. If something doesn’t work, but they think it “should” work, they do it with ten times more intensity to force it to work, but they only get ten times the misery they got when it didn’t work the first time.
She gives many other excellent techniques as well, and by “technique”, I do not mean magic spell or trick of manipulation, but rather when people see things differently and start to believe that even if they cannot maintain control over everything and even if things go their worst, there is always something we can do to make things better somehow. We can set goals and break them down into very specific actions — things we can see and identify and quantify. For instance, when she asks people what they want to see changed in their marriages, they may say, “I want my wife to be nicer” or “I want my husband to help around the house more”. But, Michele won’t let people be non-specific. She will ask, “When your wife or husband is nicer or more helpful, what will he or she be doing? What will you be doing? She breaks victories down into smaller victories, and what’s cool about that is that the little victories are easier to obtain and as we celebrate them along the way, they propel us to believe the next little victory is possible, and before you know it, little victories start adding up and combining into big victories, and life just gets so much better.
It is so much better than being driven by fear, obsession, compulsion, and behaving irrationally as probably most of us do initially.
So, taking it to the next step, I would like to see something from Michele or someone else or from people getting together to brainstorm how to settle or overcome the initial panic and terror. Not in theory, but how to slam dunk it in real life. Because without it, I wonder if any technique or wisdom could ever save a marriage that has gone down into this amount of panic. It is as if the panic itself finishes killing off the marriage and those who want to save it most are hurt the most beside the children.
As for clinging to a leaving spouse in a panic, I believe Michele said this was tantamount to signing one’s own divorce papers, and she brought up the concept of a trapped animal trying to get away. The harder you try to hold on, the harder they struggle to get away. But, if you open the cage door and let them go, the chances they will come back will be greater as long as you don’t panic and grab them again when they try to leave. You have to think about whether you would find yourself attracted to somebody who threw themselves at you and begged and pleaded while you were trying to get out of that person’s grasp.
People don’t fall in love because we cling. We feel like we’re falling in love when people make us feel good — not about them — not about the environment around us, but about ourselves. Also, the feeling that gets mistaken for falling in love a lot of times is the feeling of an adrenaline rush — the thrill, the butterflies, the palpitations, the adventure, the feeling of danger. And, sadly, this often drives and feeds affairs.
Anyway, I found this book to be somewhat a repeat of Divorce Busting but with additional newer features, and the main one that comes to mind is the part at the end about affairs. I think she called it something like “The last resort technique”.
But, to be honest, I read so many books on this subject when my own family was breaking up and yet after having gone through it all, I feel as though there were theories of how to handle things most wisely, and I knew many of them, and yet I felt crippled to do them by the terrorism of the whole situation.
I feel a big part of saving marriage is saving it before marriage through premarital assessments and followup with training and counseling to prepare for marriage. Going into marriage unprepared is like being handed a randomly chosen musical instrument for you to play at Carnegie Hall without even knowing the song you’re going to play or how to operate the musical instrument. Take time to take a few lessons and your chance of success in marriage will probably at least double.
The best of all the divorce reading
First Confused? Then I saw the light.
This book as a blessing in my marriage
I’m sharing this book with others who are going through marital difficulties, it worked for me, it can work for you.
The only other book that helped tremendously and I’d recommend over this one (If you can only buy one) is Dr.James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough”. Fantastic advice that I believe saved my marriage. It’s a bit religous, but has great advice nonetheless!