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A guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity–from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage.
Hardcover: 224 pages
Publisher: Revell; Reprinted edition (November 1, 1998)
Product Dimensions: 6.3 x 1 x 9.5 inches
Shipping Weight: 1.3 pounds
If your marriage needs help, emergency help, this is it.
My wife and I survived an affair – I was the ‘victim’ but in a way there can be no victims in an affair. Both of you must be aware of each others needs and become professionals at meeting them better than anyone else can. I know what it is like to feel betrayed – I survived it and my marriage is fortified for having had the experience. I have read the negative reviews here on this book, and I must tell you that I understand their frustration and they are due their pain and anger, but not at this book, it’s authors or the power it has to bring your life back to a place where you can live it with your spouse. I never thought I’d find an ordinary world again, but with counseling, understanding, knowledge and the teachings of Dr. Harley (see his other books too!) I did, my wife did, and we hold each other closer than we ever have before. I’m sorry there is a reason for you to look into this book, but have hope – you will feel better when you learn what it teaches you about your spouse’s needs and how a marriage must function to maintain those needs. The book also will NOT make the cheating spouse feel like a criminal, and posts many insights from their point of view. This is something those of us cheated ON will perhaps not have much sympathy for but there is A LOT for us to learn from it. The affair is a drug in the cheater’s blood – they are prisoners in a cycle that people have fallen victim to since marriage began. They will eventually see the light, but they must do this with their own eyes. By following Harley’s advice you can create the best environment for this.
I suvived my ordeal by following the advice in Dr. Harley’s book as well as on his web site [...] I had an affair several months ago. I was totally confused, devastated, depressed, and thought about suicide. I tried looking for help but most people are not sympathetic toward the wayward spouse. I learned about Dr. Harley and was comforted to know that he understands the wayward spouse’s feeling and point of view. I followed his advice regarding total separation from my lover valuable- it was the hardest thing in the world to do- I loved him and the thought of never communicating with him devastated me. But I am so glad in retrospect that I lived throught the withdrawel. I now have a better relationship with my husband, and after three months of not communicating with my lover, I can now see the affiar for the mistake that it was. I am very grateful to Dr. Harley- his iron-clad policy regarding total separation with my lover was absolutely right!
I highly recommend this book especailly if, like myself, you are having an affair and would like advice on what to do next. I understand your pain and struggle. Trust me, buy this book, or at least go to his website and read the articles. You might think that total separtion from your lover is impossible. Trust me, the pain was excruciating, but it was it. I saved my marriage and my life. And you can save yours.
A great roadmap to return from hell
Surviving an Affair is the description of a trip from how a seemingly `OK’ marriage can deteriorate to a full-blown affair, and it provides a detailed roadmap of how to survive the affair and eventually recover, hopefully with the renewal of the marriage. This book encompasses the behavioral approaches that Dr. Harley and Dr. Chalmers have successfully used to save marriages, and applies them directly to the affair. The elements that are covered in some of Dr. Harley’s other works (`Give and Take’ and `Love Busters’) are included here. This book presents a balanced viewpoint of the betrayer’s view as well as the betrayed (and even presents the view of the other man/woman).
If you’re in an affair, either as the betrayed spouse or the betrayer; I strongly recommend this book. It explains the atmosphere that leads up to an affair, and it vividly illustrates how an affair SHOULD end. Most affairs don’t end this way; instead, they linger on with the spouse having the affair unable to make a decision. All the while, the betrayed spouse and the children suffer tremendously. But there is hope. This book gives a great deal of insight in to the mechanics of the affair, and it describes how the `betrayed’ can hang on through the worse experience of their life to eventually come to a point where reconciliation is possible.
The recovery process outlined in this book is also very detailed. Some of it seems `silly’ or trivial at times, but it is important and it really can work (I’m in a marriage that is proof of that).
An affair is Hell. This is a roadmap to get back from Hell.
Good, structured approach to surviving an affair
This book offers a structured, detailed, step-wise approach to rebuilding a marriage after an affair. It’s discussion of the causes of an affair is not as well-developed as “Affairs” (Brown), but the marriage rebuilding process is very well developed. The authors bat about the term “in love” fairly loosely without really exploring what it means, and their admonition to not dwell on details of the affair but to focus on the present is in conflict with their demand for total openness and honesty. This book will not offer a betrayed spouse much help in understanding that all-important “why?” nor in working through the agonizing pain of betrayal, nor will it really help a betraying spouse closely examine their history and psyche to identify why they had an affair, but it will offer both betrayed and betraying spouses good advice on moving forward.
For couples ready to move forward
This book deals strictly with couples who are both ready to commit to change once the cheating spouse has stopped seeing the other. Although it helped provide some insight into the matter, I found it really did not help if both weren’t ready to move forward.
TIME TO HEAL
This is a great book to read for married couples that want to stay together after an affair. My husband who had an intimacy issue said he learned more about relationships from this one book than he did in his entire life.
I learned alot also, especially about Love Busters (my main problem). I recommend this to anyone trying to deal with the pain of an affair. I also recommend his other books for those in a marriage or serious relationship that want to prevent this kind of pain.
My husband and I are planning our future and loving each other. He is now the type of husband I always dreamed he could be.
This book provides some calm in a storm
I discovered five days ago that my wife has formed what she calls ‘an emotional attachment’ to a man she works with. She went to work one night, I called there innocently, and was told she was not there. She was dancing with her friend.
From the first sentence this book seems to ring true : an affair is the emotional roller coaster of your life. I feel as if my father has just died, but he continues to die every few days.
I haven’t had time to even read the whole book but am encouraged that the authors think healing (and forming a better marriage after an affair) is very, very possible. Because of this book — and because of my intuition about not pushing my wife away — I am not displaying a lot of anger about the relationship, and am even trying to show her affection. My wife and I have had three long heartfelt conversations about this; it is amazing we are talking what I consider to be honestly. Focusing on something other than the anger and jealousy has been healing to me, even now when I’m not sure my wife wants to break off her ‘friendship.’
Even with my deep hurt, I’m glad we can talk. The scenarios about the feelings of the three (!) participants in these hurtful, stressful situations is providing at least some rock in the storm to hold onto whenever my deep hurt and confusion comes up.
What an eye opener!
This book put in easy descriptions why people fall in love and how important it is to spend time with your mate or else they will be spending time with someone else..
My mate didnt read the book but just my reading it is enough for me to slowly change my ways and he is beginning to notice the change and to respond favoriably. Great book if you are looking for insite on why affairs start and how to end them completly
Going through this process is devastating, however, this book offers hope for the marriage (which is an opinion that is often difficult to find in therapy arenas and among peers) and solid, practical steps to get you out of despair and into healing. This book would be excellent reading for any couple, in this situation or not, as it hits on things so many take for granted until you get to a place of seemingly no return where distrust and pain overshadow any positive feelings and memories. I highly recommend this book.
Go directly to "Plan B"
As a former betrayed spouse, this book was responsible for protracting extreme pain and agony. I watched my spouse cheat and cheat, and I pretended to “understand.” I didn’t lovebust. Until finally, I kicked him out of the house and severed all communications. He came back, only to do it again – same woman. Once again, I tossed him out, only this time, I moved on with my own life. He finally came back for good. But I can tell you, I could have saved a lot of time and heartache if I would have just kicked him out when I first found out. No one, but *NO ONE* should have to live under the same roof as a cheater. No one wants a doormat! No one wants someone they disrespect. If you were cheating on someone and they were all nicey-nicey and let you stick around, wouldn’t you think they were an incredible simp? Of course you would! Would you ever really respect them? Heck, no!
OTOH, the advice to the cheaters is excellent, particularly the method in which the affair is to be terminated. The goodbye letter should be a template for every person getting out of an affair, as well as the subsequent behavior (no contact with the ex-lover, moving if necessary, taking a new job if the ex-lover is in the workplace). Harley’s advice on that count was absolutely flawless. If you can get it used or at the library, this book is worth it, to see how a cheater *should* make it up to his spouse.