With insight and sensitivity, Dr. Holly Hein leads on a voyage of discovery that explores the true meaning behind our sexual detours. She shows us why we do it, how we do it, and what to do about it. Dr. Hein clarifies why an affair reveals more about ourselves than about our sex lives; why it is more about the chemistry of escape thatn about sexual lightning. And, ultimately, she explains why an affair is more about the betrayl of the self than it is about breaking marriage vows. This books is for anyone who has ever been beguiled by the idea of romance, entangled in a clandestine relationship, devastated by betrayl, forced to recover from loss, or even simply hoped to find love and happiness. In short everyone.
- Paperback: 272 pages
- Publisher: Golden Guides from St. Martin’s Press; First Edition edition (April 10, 2001)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0312272774
- ASIN: B0048BPF70
- Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.5 x 0.7 inches
- Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces
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Disregard the one-star reviews!!
~Linda J. MacDonald, M.S., LMFT
This book helped me a lot
The description of affairs as a waste of time is dead on. The choices she faced before the affairs; improve the marriage or end it, are the same ones we face now. Her choice to have affairs with men at her work (she changed jobs a year into the first affair and changed partners at the same time) put our marriage on hold and wasted 4 years we could have been fixing things or starting new lives.
The descriptions of what she was really looking for and getting from the affairs were accurate from both of our perspectives. As Dr. Hine describes, my wife did not carefully chosen these affair partners due to their great personality, looks, or character; they were simply available and willing.
The discussion of what both partners bring to a marriage from our childhoods was accurate in our case for the actions and lack of action leading up to the affairs, and has prompted some introspection and self-discovery on my part.
My wife and I have discussed many passages and sections from this book. Because it was so helpful to me, my wife is planning to read it completely. I have warned her that this book makes no excuses or positive justifications for an affair and may be emotionally difficult for her to read.
This author has an ax to grind!
Whew! Was I, and the writer of the inside-the-front-cover notes, mistaken! If you are a “wronged” man or woman, or someone who has ended an affair and wants to feel good about the decision to end it, you’ll love this book. It is a treatise on how those who enter affairs are immature, self-centered people interested in a quick fix and a quick orgasm. Blame? No. . . . but shame, mud slinging and name calling, you bet!
There are some very interesting factoids in “Dr. Hein’s” book, and I can’t help but wonder which hat she pulled these tidbits from. For example, did you know the average affair lasts 2 years? I didn’t either—-but “Dr. Hein” doesn’t provide a source. Did you know that 25% of divorces and affairs occur after 15 years of marriage? Me neither—what’s your source, “Dr. Hein?” Sorry, I can’t just buy the “trust me” school of thought that spawns this type of unsubstantiated but apparently factual writing.
Interestingly, “Dr. Holly Hein” cites no sources in her book though she has a scant and unbelievably weak bibliography at the book’s end. (Please—articles from Good Housekeeping and several from the now-defunct Mirabella??) Are we to believe that “Dr. Hein” is a credible source just because she went to school a few years more than most people?
I’m disappointed in St. Martin’s Press’s decision to publish this book. Despite the claim that “Dr. Hein” has served as a “guest relationship expert” on television and radio programs, I just can’t believe how much judgmental, shaming dialogue she dishes out in this book. Frankly, sounds like “Dr. Hein” was the victim of more than one affair, and she has a few choice words for those who dare enter this horrid realm of humanity.
Skip this one unless you need a support group made up of another wronged woman–Dr. Hein.
Not a good book to learn more about ALL sides of affairs
In this book, the author preaches that the only real and valuable committed relationship is marriage or love with one monogamous partner. The author does have a very clear bias toward marriage, and doesn’t really talk much about the choices made by those who enter affairs. I’d have liked it very much if the author was as objective with women and men in affairs as she was with married individuals.
I’ve read other books that are much more objective in giving affairs a fair shake without siding too much with married partners or affair partners or anyone else.
So, if you’ve read other books on affairs or even if you haven’t, and if you want a book that gives an objective overview, maybe even some data, regarding affairs, I’d recommend against getting this book. It does have its place, primarily with those who want to validate their own views about the sanctity of marital monogamy.
So, I was disappointed. I don’t see affairs as all that nasty or undesirable. I don’t even see them as “deviant” (which is a synonym for “detour”). So, the assumption that committed heterosexual love is good and anyone who messes with it is bad didn’t wear well for me. This book isn’t for one who wants to know about any “sexual detour” other than the hetero affair. Yawn.