Dear Lisa,
I’m freaking out of my mind. I keep catching my husband in stupid lies that don’t make any sense, and I’m beginning to think he might be having an affair. He’s been sleeping with his cell phone under his pillow, and he’s getting A LOT more texts than usual. He tells me it’s work related, but I’m not a moron. How many work texts can really be buzzing around at 2 am? We have three kids under 6, and I’m a stay at home mom. I love my husband, and I have dedicated the last ten years of my life to him and to raising our family. It will kill me if he’s been with someone else. I don’t know what to do.
What do you think, is my husband cheating? Please help.
Need Help With How to Catch Husband Cheating
Dear How to Catch Husband Cheating,
You’re right to be suspicious, the weird 2 am texts and the fact that he’s suddenly lying to you are both big red flags that your husband might be having an affair. But let’s not panic yet — and whatever you do, don’t confront him right now. If you confront him on infidelity or affairs before you get all your ducks in a row, things can go horribly, horribly wrong — namely:
1) He’ll just get better at hiding his affair, and you’ll be tortured by the fact that you may never know the truth about whether or not he is cheating
2) He’ll use the confrontation as an excuse to either get out of the house and go call or see his mistress, or impulsively break off the relationship before you’ve had a chance to figure out what you want to do next. If were just the two of you, you’d probably say good riddance, but with little kids involved, what to do about affairs and infidelity becomes a hell of a lot more complicated.
No doubt, NOT confronting him with your biggest fears (that he’s screwing around, addicted to porn, or doing something else he shouldn’t be doing) is absolutely one of the toughest things you’ll have to do when you’re in this situation. After all, you’re probably not sleeping, you can’t stop thinking about whether or not he is cheating night and day, you’re starting to wonder if ANYTHING that he says (or EVER said) is even true.
It’s brutal.
The only way you’re going to know for sure is to do a little more investigation, and try to put all the puzzle pieces together. And maybe you’ll find out that what you’ve been worrying about isn’t really happening. Or that it was some big misunderstanding. The reality, unfortunately, is that you’re probably having these feelings for a reason.
- 85% of women who suspect their husband of cheating are RIGHT
The good news is that men are utterly and completely predictable when they cheat. Which makes husbands cheating on their wives fairly easy to catch.
Here’s what you need to do:
1) Start keeping a cheating journal. Write down anything that feels suspicious (even if you don’t know why) including lies you catch him in, strange numbers that appear on his phone, and any women who are suddenly making you feel uncomfortable.
2) Channel Stephanie Plum and start investigating. (Two places in particular you’d never think of just happen to be the two places where cheaters are the laziest and often forget to cover their tracks: The bathroom and the car.) In Is He Cheating, I tell you exactly where to look in these evidence goldmines. You won’t believe you’re married to such an idiot. (And he must be, if he’s messing around on you.)
3) Lojack the bastard Your life, and your children’s family and security is at stake. Which means you need answers and you need them right now. Sometimes you have to break out the spy gear to catch a cheater.
4) Don’t let him weasel out of it. That means you need to know exactly what you want before you have the talk. Are you going to drag his butt to therapy? Throw his Xbox and his stupid polo shirts out on the lawn? Make him sleep in the garage for the next decade? Do you want an apology, answers, or details? Or maybe all three?
Hope that helps for now. The truth is that your brain is going to be going round and round of that hamster wheel from hell until you know exactly what’s going on.
Get the cheating book, let me know if it helps. Is he cheating on you? There’s one way to find out for sure.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.
xo,
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
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Yikes, is this even legal?
I ment my boyfriend about five years ago but not face to face in a letter we were both yes in jail bad mistakes but we wrote for years I got out soon after so did he now heres the problem I m9v3d in with him he we rent of his parents this last couple months have been so bad the sneak8ng around he does the late night textes he gets m8nd u every day and night same time he doesent talk to me like he once did no sex once in three month his parents are always in every thing we do his mom listenes to the door weird ive seen things on his facebook account to other women about having sex with them him asking a number of things im lost hes all I have with no family ive made him my world I need help he keeps saying im crasy but ive heard his parents saying some nasty things to him about me im gonna be 43 him 37 this month I keep trying to talk to him but he says its in my head I wake up in the middle of the night and hes in the bathroom texting and when I did read his one page on face book he said he was mad I was being a bitch thats why I just dont belive him I just got that feeling some things going on we started a buz together painting so he has all our money I have nouthing I need help bad please what do u think
It’s not in your head. You’re not crazy, and you should never stay with anyone who calls you a bitch. It’s nasty and degrading and disrespectful — and you deserve better.
He’s cheating on you. The texting in the bathroom, the “it’s all in your head”, the facebook bs — all classic signs. You already know this to be true sweetie, you just have to allow yourself to believe it.
There’s no changing him. I’m so sorry about that, because I know you are deeply invested in this relationship.
It’s time to cut your losses, it’s only going to get worse.
Move out, find a career that you love, and some female friends who will support you emotionally. And if you can afford therapy, go. If not, there may be some community resources available to you.
You need to know that you DESERVE to be loved and respected. You don’t have to settle for a cheater, or someone who betrays you or lies to you or degrades you. You’re not stupid — you’ve already figured him out.
Leave him, it will be the best decision you make all year.
Keep in touch, let me know how it goes.
xxLisa
Dear lisa,
This is anthony selinas fiance I was wondering y she kept askin me if I was cheating on her its because u got in her head and gave some bad advice and pretty much ruined our relationship u dont know selina or myself so how can u judje us??do u read the bible?probubly not or u wouldng b judjing people god said whoever judges someone will b judgeged on judgement day.selina is in a psychiatric ward right now because of what u said I never did a dam thing to her NEVER cheated on her in 7 years I bought her a $4000.00 diamond engagement ring told her she never has to work another day in her life I will support her she can stay home and take care of the house and kids when we have them.u ruined our life by saying what u said!!!! She might of told u we didnt have sex for 3 months thats bullshit we didnt go longer than 3 days without sex so selina was exaggerating and as far as goin to the bathroom with my phone yeah I did go yo the baghroom wiyh my cellphone j was looking at craigslist I dont take my phone to the bathroom anymore not in 2 years im not allowed im only allowed to take a shower every 2 weeks or so or I get accused of cheating I quit my job and stayed home and collect welfare for 2 years because I dont want to get accused for cheating I made all these sacrifices to selina cause I love her so much and wang to show her and prove to her im not cheating then u come along and tell her im cheating and now she went crazy and is in the psych ward she had a ruff ruff child hood thats y she has secure issues she was raped when she was 13 been beat up by hammers bh her exhusband cheated on by everyman she ever was with and now she found me a loyal man thag comes from a good family and treated her like a queen and u tell her im cheating I dont believe this I hope u sleep well at night knowing u destroyed someones life!!! I take her to all her appointments bought all of her clothes pay all the billls makes sure she has 3 meals to eat gold necklaces earrings bracelets rings anything she wants she gets I take her tk college pick her up from school I cant believe u said what u said without knowing us now thats etched in her brain I was wondering y she kept accusing me of cheatjng all the time yeah she might of seen I was friends wigh girls on facebook it was girls I weng tk highschool with 20 years ago theres nothing wrong with talking to someone and thats all I did bug because of her exspearences in the past with men she thought I was having sex with these girls im telling u and I dont even know u that I never cheated on her I swear on mh grandmothers grave and mh parents life that I never ever cheated I dont believe in cheating I never cheated my philosopy is if someone has to cheat y even b in a relationship just get out of it and stop wasting your time I dong see a poing in people that cheat selina been locked up in the psych ward for 2 weeks now and guess what I still didnt cheat I yalk to her all ghe tkme bring her clothes if she needs them bring her cigerettes money food I pay her $160 phone bill and her other bill she owes $2500 I have a job now I go to work ghen I stah home I dont go anywhere I cryed more in the past month than I did in my whole life.please do me a favor lisa before u say somethinv bout someone makesure u know someone first cause ghats people lives youf playing with its not a game hope to hear from u soon I would like for u to write selina at selinaschooley@gmail.com and tell her your sorry too
Anthony,
I’m so sorry that you and Selina are having such a rough time. It sounds like a great therapist could really be of benefit to her to work through the difficulties she’s been through. Recovery from childhood trauma can be brutal, and I will keep her in my thoughts.
I do appreciate that you took the time to write, and as I do not know either you or Selina personally, I don’t know the particulars of your situation. My guess is that she found my book or website because she was already seeking out the information — there was something about your behavior (or her own insecurities) that made her feel that you were being unfaithful to her.
I don’t know the answer. I’m not going to be the one to officially rule on whether you did or didn’t have sex for three days or three months. I do know that you exhibit a lot of red flags by your own admission — keeping in touch with old girlfriends via facebook, taking your phone into the bathroom (Craigslist, seriously?), etc. I’m also seeing a lot of red flags regarding some fairly serious insecurity and possible psychological troubles regarding your description of Selina — insecurity so significant that you can’t bathe or work without setting it off is a big indicator of psychological issues — unless you are sleeping around and she’s right. In that case, you’re just making her crazy.
The first thing I tell women is that if they suspect cheating, they need to look within — do they always feel this way? Or is the feeling of suspicion unique to the relationship?
A normal response to believing or learning that your partner is cheating is distress, heartache, feelings of betrayal — not a massive breakdown.
If you love her, help her by being faithful and making sure she gets therapy. While you’re at it, please see a therapist yourself. If all of this really is in her mind, you need to understand why you are accommodating such unhealthy behavior.
I wish you both health and happiness,
Lisa
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I ain’t suggesting your informatikon isn’t solid., howevesr suppose you added something that grabbed folk’s
attention? I men How to Catch Husband Cheating:
Is He Cheating? is kinda boring. You should glance at Yahoo’s front page and see hhow they create news titles to grab viewers interested.
You might try adding a viseo or a picture or two to gdab reaaders interested about everything’ve written. In my opinion, it might make your website a little livelier.