Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship

As a marital therapsit I’ve found this book to be of exceptional help with my marital patients. It’s unusual in how it offers clear direction for a marriage at any stage. I’ve found it useful to help couples create clear daily goals for their marriage, learn how their parents’ marriage has affected them, and how to create a great deal of passion. The book offers such creative activities which I have my patients work on together. There’s a great chapter on sex also. It really helps couples focus in on the deeper meaning of sex and has some straightforward advice that every couple must know.
I’ve found the book great for my patients also because of the stories which really bring the ideas to life and make it a quick read. There are so many books that seem to preach but this one seems to offer a conversation with you. The author seems to have purposely created a book that helps a couple think together and create something unique for themselves.
Most of all, the book is not afraid to tell it like it is. Neuman makes us think about the energy we have to give to our spouse and how much of it goes quickly to the wrong places. He has an especially great piece on accepting our spouse’s flaws called “the Mona Lisa was no size two,” where he really makes you think about how society has brainwashed us into certain beliefs about our spouses.
I don’t usually take the time to write reviews but this is something exceptional that can really help a lot of people. I’ll keep buying it for my patients.

Emotional Infidelity focuses on strengthening and healing marriages, but it helped me through the first two years of accepting and healing after my ex-husband’s multiple emotional and physical workplace affairs. I purchased this book the day after I found out about my ex’s last affair. Hindsight is 20/20, and the scenarios in this book were a blueprint of the last 2 years of my marriage: phone calls at home from “co-workers”, working late at the office, and driving to the office in the middle of the night to take care of “security alarm” calls. I read several books to help get through the painful breakup, and Emotional Infidelity was the most insighful and practical book on emotional (and physical) affairs I found. My marriage was over, but reading the book encouraged me to focus on my own strength without my ex.

This book has been mistitled. It’s not just about emotional infidelity. It’s about a whole lot more. The first chapter is the only part of the book that deals with what Neuman calls emotional infidelity – that is giving your time and attention to someone of the opposite gender who is not your spouse. I whole heartedly agree with his position. You can’t split your attention. You have to be very careful how you treat people of the opposite sex because no one intends to do anything, and it always “just happens.” Neuman’s plan is that you focus your attention on your spouse so that you are so busy with your spouse you don’t have the inclination to give anyone of the opposite sex the time to worm their way into your life – in the place where your spouse should be.

The rest of the book is a marriage manual for how to create a great marriage. And Neuman is honest: it takes a lot of work. You have to put a lot of energy into creating the marriage that you want. And both of you have to participate. Neuman includes good exercises that helps people who may not know exactly what to give their spouses or who do not know exactly what their spouse wants from them. He also writes about dealing with children in a marriage and how the marriage must come first.

This book is for good marriages and for any marriage that is in trouble. If you grew up in the US, you have emotional baggage that you need to recognize and deal with, so you can use the information in this book to make your marriage better no matter how good it is right now.

One thing I did appreciate was that Neuman took the cheating partner to task and remonstrated him or her for their bad behavior and told them that it was their responsiblity for what they had done. He should have done that in The Truth About Cheating. I enjoyed this book much better than his new one. I felt that he expected the guilty spouse to take more responsibility in this volume.

Thank you, Gary Neuman, for graciously expressing the heart of the marriage promise…and how certain assumptions weasel their way between spouses and reduce what should be the most profound and requiting relationship of one’s life to merely a working arrangement between acquaintances – or worse, divorce. I wish more counselors would read this book…and quit trying to fix troubled marriages by advising us how to “fight fair”, “communicate effectively” and “discover your own sense of identity.” Mr. Neuman is on target: spouses must NOT waste their energy on others instead of protecting and investing themselves in one another. This is the foundation of a healthy and happy relationship. Also of note: Great practical guidelines for men and women to follow if they want to have a marriage – and reputation – of integrity!

Post Script, 2011: Four years ago, I read this remarkable book and asked my husband to also consider Mr. Neuman’s thesis, a very pertinent point for our struggling marriage. He agreed, read the first chapter, but somehow, in all the hustle and labor of his corporate travels, conventions and business-meetings-over-three-meals-a-day, “lost” the book in the bottom of a piece of luggage or moving box. After one particularly extended business excursion, he returned with a third wedding ring, which I found “hidden” in the box which originally held our wedding rings from 26 years ago. Starting at least 10 years earlier, he had become innured to social networking, corporate entertainment budgets which encouraged surreptitious double dating, and enless “get togethers/tweet-ups” with female business acquaintances who were “passing through town” and (when I finally gained access to some of their emails) frankly admitted that they had no actual business to discuss. After our youngest graduated from high school, I filed for divorce. He appears to be unaffected and continues to flirt with an endless parade of “professional” women.

Our 26 year marriage has ended in indescribable pain for me, depression, discouragement, financial ruin for everyone and a miserable model of dysfunctional marriage for our children. Dear reader, the fact that those who rejected Mr. Neuman’s advice have seen their marriage dissolve and those who (you’ll see among the reviews posted here) paid attention and employed Mr. Newman’s wise suggestions have enjoyed a renewed love and thriving marriage tells you what you need to know. This book is well worth the investment of a few dollars for Mr. Neuman’s wisdom, but the real value of this volume is in its application!

If you are married or in a commited relationship and have close friends of the oposite sex and you don’t think this is hurting your marriage, buy this book and read it,then have your spouse read it. It is very well written and very informative. It will open your eyes to what you are denying. If your spouse is asking for some time from you and you are giving that time to someone else, your marriage is heading for trouble. Untill my husband read this book he saw no problems with having girl friends. Gary Neumans book has been a great Aid to our marrige. This book should be in every household that desires a truly commited marriage. Thank You Mr. Neuman for the your wonderful words of wisdom.

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The real issue regarding emotional infidelity is not only an opposite sex friendship. I believe that anything or anyone that robs the couple of time with each other, or anything or anyone either spouse uses (consciously or subconsciously) to avoid spending time with the partner, i.e. even friendships with the SAME sex, over involvement with and attachment to the children, career, church, computer, cars, committees, community, causes and many other good or even excellent things, will do the same damage to a marriage, as could any opposite gender friendship. Somehow it’s always easier though, to project blame on a person of the opposite sex, rather than turning the spotlight on the marriage itself and doing the tough in depth soul searching work that gets to the root of the problem in both partners. It takes two to make or break a marriage! It takes two who create the conditions at home that would even want someone to stray.

Each couple should have all their priorities straight and expend their primary energy on creating a fulfilling, loving relationship with each other,which definitely includes having a banquet feast at home. Then enjoying and cultivating loving, caring, pure friendships with members of the opposite sex, either singly or as a couple, need never be a threat, but rather an enhancement. If the couple relationship is solid and healthy, there is no need to live in dread and fear of opposite gender friendships! A friend is more like a sister or brother, definitely not a lover in my books!

Sometimes people come against things so strongly in order to cover up their own temptations in that area. If you are too strongly tempted, don’t project that onto everyone else and steer clear of temptations.

I have only really looked at the first chapter of this book and skimmed some other parts. I feel the book certainly gives you something to think about. In fact, perhaps it gives you ideas and suggestions that you may feel are completely outrageous, like being friends with people of the opposite sex outside marriage. I think this is the point that most people have a problem with. I think whether or not you agree with that suggestion should depend on your own personal experiences and feelings about that issue. I personally chose not to have close friends of the opposite sex. This I have learned from my own personal life experiences and I am comfortable with my decision. I do feel it makes my marriage much stronger. However I also feel that you have to treat all people with resect and care, same sex or opposite sex. You do have to interact with both genders at work, school, and in the community. Perhaps you should just ask yourself if your level of interaction affects your marriage? Is your spouse ok with it? Are you ok with it? Why would Mr. Neuman make this suggestion and how could it help my marriage?

Overall I think the book is great. It stesses that marriage takes a lot of work (work that can be very enjoyable however). And I do feel that the most important person in your life (your spouse) does deserve you putting in the work. Read the book and apply what may help your marriage. No need to get defensive if you don’t agree, like some of the few readers that did not like the book.

When I started this book I was having marital issues. But after I read the entire book I was back on track. Thanks to this book my husband and I are able to have a great relationship. We have our date night without the kids, and are able to spend quality time with each other. I recommend this book to not only those with marital troubles, but those who are in love and want to improve their marriage.

This book has changed my marriage. I must be honest that at first I thought it was much too restraining. But I read the WHOLE book and I found that it is so much more than restrictiveness. It taught me how much energy I needed to put into my marriage! I was one of those who just figured love will work things out and my real focus has to be on work and kids. this book showed me how to set up my life in a way that I can have daily focus on my marriage and the love I have for my wife. It works. I took Gary’s chanllenge and I reduced my “friendships” with women and guess what? Life went on and my focus on my wife was increased. I didn’t realize that I was chatting it up with others and leaving my wife out of the loop too often.
Emotional Infidelity taught me the deeper value of marriage. I’m proud to say I now realize that I NEED my wife. I have a more meaningful understanding of what we can offer each other.
I’ve finally found a way to love my wife AND my kids and not feel so constantly pulled in every direction. I’ve learned to look into my past and work with my wife on helping both of us recognize some of our personal intimate weaknesses. We’re changing and it’s work but I have a differnet marriage and love that I never had because of it.
Don’t pass this book up. these people who feel it’s too restrictive are either literally jusdgeing a book by it’s cover or too scared to face the truth. I didn’t have to agree with every work to find a book that changed me and my marriage. Thanks to the author for wise and warm techniques for showing me love I only dreamed of.

This is an extremely good book. I would recommend that all couples read it, together, and discuss it. I only wish I had known of it earlier; it might have saved my marriage. Some of the ideas are pretty controversial, and your knee-jerk reaction is “No way!” But the author astutely asks, “If you find yourself quick to dismiss my recommendation because it’s ‘ridiculous,’ ‘unrealistic,’ or any other pejorative, ask yourself whether you’re being defensive. Challenge yourself to pinpoint the reasons you find my advice so irritating. Could you be avoiding a deeper commitment to your spouse and looking for reasons to execute it?” If you look really hard, you know the answer. You know exactly where the behavior may lead, and why, and you also know it is not good for your marriage in the long run. In the end, it is your choice to make — do you want a great marriage, or not, and what are you willing to do, what kind of commitment are you willing to make, to achieve it?
The ideas after chapter one are less controversial, but equally valuable. Read the whole book.