Ask Lisa! He Loves Me But He Doesn’t Want to Be With Me

April 15, 2009

Dear Lisa,

It???s been ten days since my boyfriend of ten months left me. He left me because he says he wasn’t happy. He still tells me that he loves me and that he cares, but yet, he doesn’t want to be with me. I made the mistake of calling him, begging him to see me and then telling him that I loved him and wanted to be with him. He said that he wasn’t ready to have a girlfriend. I think it’s because there are these girls (one in particular) that were around like vultures for a month now. I think this girl (who is a b*tch who usually steals other women’s men) pursued him and he fell for her fake sweet tricks.

How do I protect myself from these types of girls? I’m going to a big party and they???ll are going to be there probably provoke me. They are very happy that he left me and he???ll be there. I???m afraid something will happen right in front of my face.

We all bought our tickets and can’t back out of the party. I???ll feel very sad that night and don’t know how to handle it. What do you suggest? I really love him. How do I get the power back after chasing this guy away?

It is very hard for me because he is giving importance to these girls who aren???t very bright or attractive (although I???ve heard one is connected to the mob.) I feel like a nobody.

Party Girl

Dear Party Girl,

Your ex is not the only one giving importance to these girls -you are too! They may feel some satisfaction in having a hand in your breakup but you need to remember this:

1) What goes around comes around, and those girls will get what they deserve ultimately, (including but not limited to: prominent cold sores on the first day of a new job, chronic stupidity, perpetually frizzy hair???)

2) Nobody who is actually happy goes around trying to create misery for other people. These girls are likely very insecure and unhappy themselves.

3) Did you say MOB?

Here???s what you do: feel sorry for them, and ignore them. But don’t give them any power in your life.

That said, you have two immediate questions. First, how do you handle this party? Don’t go. You know they are going to be there, you know it’s going to be difficult, so save yourself the torture and make other plans. Either go out with other friends, or skip this one altogether and spend the night pampering yourself – soak in the tub, order in a large pepperoni and do your toes red. Don’t tell your ex, the mean girls, or anybody else that you won’t be attending or the reason why, for all they know, you’ve received a better offer. (And even spending the evening getting a bikini wax (eeeck!) is a much better offer than torturing yourself in the presence of your ex and a few girls who aren’t particularly concerned with your happiness.)

Spend the evening with yourself or other, supportive friends. No amount of cash is worth making yourself crazy, and that’s just what you’ll be doing if you go.

Second question: How do you get him back? Wait, darlin???, before we go on, I have a question ??? why in the world would you want him back? He ???s telling you he doesn???t want to be with you. Translated in guy-speak that usually means ???he doesn???t want to be with you.??? Why waste your heart (and all your fabulous party clothes, I???ll bet) on somebody who doesn???t even appreciate it?

I wouldn???t get back together with this guy unless he got hit by lightning and had a life-altering moment in which he realized how utterly spectacular you are. Using those criteria, I think we can safely reserve him a permanent spot in the ex-files. Relationships are difficult enough without having the added (and fruitless, I might add) challenge of convincing a guy who doesn???t want to be with you to stick around for another week. Hit the ground running. Date someone who wants to be with you too.


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Dating Coach and Relationships Expert Lisa Daily is the bestselling author of Stop Getting Dumped!, How to Date Like a Grownup and the totally relatable and hilarious novel Fifteen Minutes of Shame. You???ve seen her everywhere from Entertainment Tonight to the HITCH movie DVD.

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?? Copyright 2002-2008 by Lisa Daily. All Rights Reserved.

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